I met John right out of high school. He is mostly my first everything. My First Kiss, first date, first relationship, and first ….. s!x. I’m from a family that’s struggling financially. I struggled to finish secondary school and when I was done I had to make ends meet to survive.
I met John at a time in my life I would term perfect timing. I attended a birthday party of a mutual friend of ours. There he was, handsome and everything that makes the heart of a girl with no real-life experience beat. Every lady wanted his attention and I knew I didn’t stand a chance but after the party, I got a surprise. My friend told me someone would like to meet me, curiously I went and there he was smiling at me before I left he had my number.
It was so easy talking to him and I still couldn’t believe he looked my way. I later found out he worked for a big IT firm(my friends told me I’d hit the jackpot). Meeting him changed my life, he provided everything I wanted, He enrolled me in the culinary school I wanted but couldn’t afford, and gave me money for myself and my family. Soon he became close with my family and everyone accepted our relationship.
I attended the same church as my parents but soon changed to his ( his suggestion). My parents didn’t have any problem with it and my Mom even said that he was a good one since he went to church and now wanted me to attend the same church that was the sign of a Man who wanted more than just a fling.
Did I mention that I was 18 and he was 28? A few months into the relationship he became obsessive about everything and always wanted things to go his way. He shamed me for my body and would even get me drugs for any complaint he had. In less than a year I had 3 abortions and he would refuse to use protection even when I told him I had a bad reaction to the birth pills he got for me.
We’ll be out together and he wouldn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, his mother only knows me as an acquaintance of her son, even at church most people thought we were just family friends and he never corrected that impression. Whenever I complained he’d tell me he didn’t like his business discussed in public.
His business was actually public business because people would hit me up saying he was messing around. When I asked he said they were liars and the women were just friends. At times I’ll see him openly flirt with ladies but with just a few jokes with his friends, he gets very angry.
He’ll go to my parents reporting how I’m giving him so much trouble and soon they started snooping around me like I was the one cheating. There are times he would seize my phone and punish me with funds.
I recently just found out the lady he told me was just his friend was actually the one who his family sees as his fiancée when his mom hired me to cater for a little get-together she was having with her friends. I noticed that his mother was very insistent on paying for every little service I rendered even when I was willing to do it for free. Only to see his supposed fiancee as part of the invited guest. I felt so stupid as I wasn’t invited to join the party when I was done.
I really don’t know what to do. Every time I try to leave him I keep going back. I want to end this relationship but I’m scared my family will suffer. Do we even have a relationship? It scares me every time I think of starting all over again. Where do I start?
Part 1
I met John right out of high school. He is mostly my first everything. My First Kiss, first date, first relationship, and first ….. s!x. I’m from a family that’s struggling financially and the hardship we faced soon took away our smiles ( My parents felt like they’d failed us). I struggled to finish secondary school and when I was done I had to make ends meet to support my parents in raising my siblings.
Working right out of High wasn’t as glorious – getting a callback or getting fair pay even when you could do the Job was rare to come by( talks of how- a bachelor’s degree was always preferred and with just a school certification I was “Lucky” to be given the opportunity). So, yes, I wasn’t picky and the moment a new opportunity came along with more pay – it was bye to the old and on to the new. The money gotten from my job still wasn’t enough and with every week came new bills to pay, my salary became what I use to settle the debtors while I borrowed to keep the family afloat till I got my next pay.
Hmm… Then came John. I met John at a time in my life I would term perfect timing. My kid brother had just received his admission letter to the university and with just a week left to claim the admission, he couldn’t because we couldn’t afford to pay his fee. We tried raising the money but no one could lend us the amount we wanted at such short notice. We all knew the looming inevitability – that he’ll have to sit it out till the next year, but we never dared speak of our fears to the other as though speaking about it would…. Make it real but the truth was…it Was Real.
The Next day I attended a birthday party of a friend, Thelma, to who I owed a lot. The moment I walked in, though I was searching for no one in particular. There he was, handsome and everything that makes the heart of a girl with no real-life experience beat (Also everything that would break her). Every lady wanted his attention and I knew I didn’t stand a chance but after the party, I got a surprise. Thelma came up to me and excitedly told me a friend of hers was dying to meet me, curiously I went with her and there he was smiling at me. Thelma was soon forgotten as we both got lost in ourselves before I left-He had my number.
It was so easy talking to him and embarrassingly I found myself opening up to him as I had never done with anyone. I still couldn’t believe he looked my way. I, later on, found out he worked for a big IT firm(my friends told me I’d hit the jackpot). Meeting him changed my life, with no questions asked he offered to pay for my brother’s fees, and he provided everything I wanted. He enrolled me in the culinary school I wanted but couldn’t afford, despite my refusal cuz I had to earn for my family but he said he was capable of footing the bill for me and my family till I was done. With him around things became easier for me and my family. I saw my parents smile often and the frustrated look was gone from my father’s eyes. He warmed his way into the family and Soon he became tight with my family and everyone accepted our relationship. Under his care and affection, I found every of my resistance to his help fading. Soon I felt normal about him doing every little thing for me. I had everything I wanted, what more could there be?
Looking back now, I realized how stupid I was, how could I let myself and even my family solely rely on him? How does one begin getting back such control?
Part 2
I basked in the shadow of what I saw as care and attention. Having John in my life lifted so many burdens away when it came to taking care of my family. I could concentrate on Culinary school without worries. I had everything I wanted and I owed it all to him. I love this man and in every way I could, I wanted to show him. So I listened to him, obeyed and always made sure to be first to apologize when we had an issue. I noticed John wanted to be in control of everything I did. Male friends were not allowed, he had to know when I was going out and approve of it before I could go. I didn’t mind all of this. I loved him and if this is the only thing he wanted in return I was ready to do it. I ended all friendships with my male friends and sought his approval in everything I did.
I changed the church I attended because he said there was no point in attending different churches when we were both dating( I love my old church). My parents didn’t have any problem with it and my Mom said he was a good one, he went to church and now wanted me to attend the same church. In her book that was the sign of a Man who wanted more than just a fling.
My thoughts were soon corrected as the more I gave the more he wanted. He had complete control over my life but hated even the least contribution from me in his own life even if it was just a suggestion. Everything just had to be the way he wanted it. He gave the instructions and I followed. Did I mention that I was 18 and he was 28? The age difference didn’t matter to me but he soon made an issue of reminding me how old he was (which made him most knowledgeable). I attributed all of his control to the fact that he was older and knew best. Hey, every relationship wasn’t all rose and rose.
The demands kept coming in. He shamed me for my body and would even get me drugs for any complaint he had. One moment I was too slender another moment my boobs were not ample enough. I became very self-conscious around him and at the same time hoped I would please him. I don’t know if that makes sense, but nothing makes sense anymore. I couldn’t speak to anyone about it because I was torn between shame and didn’t want anyone to think badly about him. He cared for me and just like he said he wanted me to be at my best, he’ll never force me to do anything – he’ll only just push a little.
The same guy, who was all over me when we were alone, always wanted me to keep my distance when we were in public. The relationship was almost a year and I got so insecure every time we went out together. We’ll be out together and he wouldn’t introduce me as his girlfriend. Ladies flirt with him and he flirted back, when I got mad he said it was nothing. He knew every one in my family but his mother only knew me as an acquaintance of her son. Even at church most people thought we were just family friends and he never corrected that impression. Whenever I complained he’d tell me he didn’t like his business discussed in public. I secretly feared it was because he was ashamed of me and with these thoughts, I told myself I had to do better. I had to make him proud of me.
I dreaded s*x with him as he always refused to use protection even when I told him I had a bad reaction to the birth control pills he got me. In less than a year I had aborted 3 children. I never complained because he’d get angry, saying I didn’t care for him as he did for me. I hated it when we quarreled, it left me feeling guilty. He loved me and I trusted him so I took the pills when I couldn’t, I just hoped and prayed an abortion wasn’t next.
Part 3
John’s business was actually public business because people would hit me up saying he was messing around. The first time I got such information, my heart broke, I was filled with dread. I thought what if he leaves me? I blamed myself, maybe I wasn’t doing things right. I couldn’t confront him because I dreaded what the answer would be. So I doubted them and defended him, unless I caught him in the act there was no way I’d believe them (they thought I was foolish). The calls and texts about him cheating became one too many. A friend’s friend was always involved and soon I avoided anyone who had news to tell. I couldn’t hold it in anymore so I confronted him and he denied it. He told me they were liars and the women were just friends or the women were after him. He chose me out of all of them. I should be satisfied with that. I didn’t believe him.
With doubt, came fear and shame. I was tired at this point of giving and giving but the truth couldn’t let me live in the bliss ignorance gave me. I started seeing the relationship in a different light. Maybe that was why he never wanted the relationship public, I noticed all the flirtatious acts between him and other ladies that I had ignored. For someone who didn’t like me being friendly with other guys, he was way too friendly with the opposite sex. I realized how he had so many complaints about my body, something he didn’t have any issues with when he asked me out. I became angry in the relationship, so I stopped listening. We always had something new to quarrel about every week. With every argument, he stopped caring to hide his tracks. I saw pictures of ladies his age, sexting and when I confronted him he’d curse me out and yell at me for going through his phone. We would break up and makeup ( he was always big on promises to change, but those changes only, lasted until he had something to guilt trip me about or did something for me)
He was always great at manipulation and used it on my parents every time I disobeyed him. Soon they started snooping around me like I was the one cheating. I could never cheat him, not on John who gave me and a guy a public embarrassment when he saw me talking outside- the guy in question was his neighbor and he came to see him but met me. I couldn’t tell them what was going on. My mom was always telling me every relationship had its ups and downs, I needed to be more patient as this was a relationship that would be leading up to marriage. I didn’t know if I wanted to be married to this John anymore. I also had the fear of getting blamed by them for not obeying him. Maybe I was at fault. Everyone at home loved him too much. How could I tell them the John they adore, called them names when he was angry at me or how he never failed to hit me?
I stopped caring but I couldn’t leave him and he knew it. When he noticed the change in me immediately he attributed it to another guy. He seized my phone and refused to give it back for days. Then he started punishing me with funds and stopped paying my brother’s fees. He ghosted me and I know it was to show me what Life would be for me without him. I tried taking care of things but after so many failed attempts. The moment he came begging for his attitude towards me, I accepted it and even ended it with an apology of mine. I couldn’t see my family suffering under my watch again. I let him have all the control he wanted, and stopped talking to people he didn’t want around me.
Recently I found out the lady he told me was just ‘his friend’ was actually the one who his family sees as his fiancée. John’s mother had hired me to cater for a little get-together she was having with her friends. I noticed that his mother was very insistent on paying for every little service I rendered even when I was willing to do it for free. To my surprise, the supposed friend was part of the guest. Ada.. the moment that name was called I knew who she was. Right there in front of me, John’s mother introduced Ada to everyone as her son’s fiance. I have never felt so stupid in my life as I was introduced as the caterer and wasn’t even invited to join the party when I was done. It dawned on me then that his mom had always known who I was and this was her way of giving me a public set down. I just left…, I just left and kept walking with no destination in mind. I couldn’t take it anymore and had to speak to someone even if I got shamed. I called Thelma who I had avoided for so long because John didn’t like her. She came and with just one look at me, she hugged me. The first thing I could remember saying was ‘Thelma, am I beautiful?’ and then I cried…
It’s been 2 weeks now and I’ve refused to see John, I don’t pick up his calls nor respond to his messages(he’s been obsessively trying to reach out to me). My parents have been calling me saying he’s been there every day. I only picked up their call long enough to let them know I was fine. I can’t face anyone right now. I really don’t know what to do. Every time I try to leave him I keep going back. I want to end this relationship but I’m scared my family will suffer. Do we even have a relationship? It scares me every time I think of starting all over again. Where do I start? He might end up leaving and then what else would be left of me?
I still have a sick feeling that something must be wrong with me else John wouldn’t have singled me out of all the girls at that Birthday Party to make Miserable. I have seen and dealt with more than I can let on.
